When the WiFi Goes Down
The moment your internet drops and you realize you have no survival skills for the offline world.
The WiFi dropped for eleven seconds and I experienced what I can only describe as a spiritual crisis. I looked at my hands. I looked at the wall. I considered reading a physical book. Then the WiFi came back and I returned to watching a video of someone organizing their pantry.
The WiFi Outage Timeline:
- 0:00 — “Hmm, page isn’t loading. Must be the site.”
- 0:15 — Opens another tab. Also not loading. First wave of concern.
- 0:30 — Checks phone. Phone data works. The WiFi has personally betrayed you.
- 1:00 — Unplugs the router. Plugs it back in. Stares at the blinking lights like a shaman reading bones.
- 2:00 — The lights stabilize. You refresh. Nothing. The ritual has failed.
- 5:00 — You call your ISP. Hold music plays. You are caller number 847. Estimated wait: forever.
- 10:00 — You consider your life choices. You had hobbies once. You used to go outside. The sun was warm. Grass existed.
- 15:00 — You make eye contact with a family member. It’s uncomfortable for everyone.
- 20:00 — WiFi returns. You immediately forget the existential revelation you had and resume scrolling.
Things people say they’ll do during a WiFi outage vs. what they actually do:
| What They Say | What They Do |
|---|---|
| ”I’ll read a book” | Refresh the browser 400 times |
| ”I’ll go for a walk” | Walk to the router and back |
| ”I’ll call someone” | Text “is your WiFi down too?” on mobile data |
| ”I’ll be productive” | Stare at the ceiling and contemplate mortality |
The WiFi going down is the modern equivalent of a power outage in 1850. Except in 1850, people knew how to churn butter and shoe horses. We know how to clear a browser cache. We are not the same.
Home WiFi: the single thread holding modern civilization together, and it’s made of wet string.