Relationships: A Field Guide to Loving Chaos
From the thermostat wars to the "where do you want to eat" loop that has no known exit, love is hilarious — mostly in hindsight. These jokes are for anyone who shares a life with another human.
Relationships: A Field Guide to Loving Chaos
Love is beautiful. Love is patient. Love is one of you being 45 minutes early and the other one not having started getting ready yet.
The Dinner Decision Black Hole
“What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, you pick.” “Okay, tacos?” “No, not tacos.” “Pizza?” “We had pizza.” “When?” “I don’t know. Recently. Feels recent.”
Scientists have confirmed this conversation has been happening since 3,000 BC and has never once resulted in a timely dinner.
The Thermostat Accord
My partner and I have very different internal temperatures.
They are cold. Always cold. Cosmically, fundamentally cold.
I am warm. A small furnace in human form.
We have negotiated a thermostat treaty that neither of us respects. I open a window. They put on a third blanket. We have found our equilibrium through mutual passive aggression and it is beautiful.
Communication, Apparently
Therapists say the key to a healthy relationship is communication.
So I told my partner exactly what I was thinking at all times for one week.
We’re both in therapy now. Separately.
The “Fine” Frequency
There are currently four known meanings of “fine” in a relationship:
- Things are actually fine. Rarest form. Handle with care.
- Things are not fine but I’d like you to figure out why on your own.
- Things were fine until approximately thirty seconds ago.
- This conversation is over but it is not over.
Linguists are baffled. Partners are not.
Shared Streaming Services
We started a show together.
I watched ahead.
I will take this to my grave.
I have to. There’s no other option.