Parenting 101: What the Books Don't Tell You
Everything you learned in parenting class was a lie. Here's what actually happens when tiny humans take over your life.
The Real Parenting Manual
Before kids, I had theories about raising children. After kids, I have snacks in every pocket and haven’t finished a hot cup of coffee since 2023.
Things Nobody Warns You About
Negotiations with a toddler are harder than international diplomacy.
The United Nations could learn from a three-year-old who wants chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs but you only have the ones shaped like regular chickens. You cannot reason with this person. There is no compromise. There is only surrender.
Your vocabulary will permanently change.
Before kids: “Let’s go out for dinner at that new bistro downtown.”
After kids: “Does anyone need to go potty before we leave? No? Are you sure? Because we’re not stopping. I mean it. We are NOT stopping.”
Narrator: They stopped.
You will become a human GPS for lost objects.
“Mom, where’s my shoe?” It’s under the couch.
“Dad, where’s my backpack?” Behind the door where you left it.
“Where’s my water bottle?” You left it at school three weeks ago. We’ve bought four replacements. They’re all at school now too.
Meanwhile, I cannot find my own car keys and I’ve been holding them the entire time.
The Four Types of Parenting Lies
Lie #1: “Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
The baby sleeps for 11 minutes at a time. In that window, you need to eat, shower, do laundry, question your life choices, and somehow also sleep. This math does not work.
Lie #2: “Enjoy every moment.”
I love my children with my entire soul, but I am not going to enjoy the moment where someone puts a crayon in the DVD player and then asks me why Frozen isn’t working.
Lie #3: “They grow up so fast.”
Somehow the years are short but the days between 4 PM and bedtime are approximately nine thousand hours long. Time is not linear in a household with children.
Lie #4: “It takes a village.”
The village has moved away. The village is on vacation. The village isn’t answering its phone. You’re on your own with a glue stick and a child who has decided that pants are a social construct.
Parenting Pro Tips (From the Trenches)
- If a child says “watch this,” you have approximately 0.3 seconds to decide if you need to call an ambulance.
- “I’m not tired” is always a lie. The more aggressively they deny fatigue, the closer they are to a meltdown.
- Any meal prepared with love and nutritional intent will be rejected. Dry cereal from the floor? Gourmet dining.
- The quiet ones are the dangerous ones. If you can’t hear your child, something expensive is being destroyed.
Parenting: the only job where the more experienced you get, the less you feel like you know what you’re doing.