Food Crimes and the People Who Commit Them
Pineapple on pizza is the least of our problems — these food jokes cover everything from meal prep delusion to the emotional stages of a vending machine failure. Hungry for laughs? We've got you.
Food Crimes and the People Who Commit Them
A tribute to every sad desk salad, every ambitious meal plan, and every granola bar eaten in despair at 3pm.
Meal Prep Optimism
Every Sunday I tell myself I’m going to meal prep for the whole week.
I buy the containers. I buy the ingredients. I watch a YouTube video of a very organized person portioning out quinoa with visible inner peace.
By Wednesday I am eating crackers over the sink for dinner and feeling like a pioneer.
By Friday the meal-prepped containers are still in the fridge, judging me with their little plastic lids.
The Vending Machine Betrayal
I put $1.75 into the vending machine.
My chips went forward, tipped, dangled on the edge, and stopped.
I stood there for a full ninety seconds processing the grief.
Then I got a second bag so the first one would fall.
Now I spent $3.50 on one bag of chips and a philosophical crisis.
Artisanal Everything
I paid $18 for a “small-batch, hand-crafted, ethically sourced” grilled cheese.
It was a grilled cheese.
It tasted like a grilled cheese.
I finished it in four minutes and felt like I had betrayed my ancestors who worked hard so that I would not spend $18 on a grilled cheese.
The “I’ll Just Have a Salad” Lie
Ordering a salad because you’re “being healthy” and then adding croutons, bacon bits, shredded cheese, candied walnuts, and ranch dressing is just making a worse burger and pretending you have values.
Leftovers: A Love Story
Day 1: “This is amazing, I’ll have it for lunch tomorrow.” Day 2: “Still good. Very good.” Day 3: “I respect it too much to throw it away.” Day 5: Opens container. Makes eye contact. Closes container. Day 9: Takes entire container directly to the trash without opening it. This is mercy.